Words like “good” and “bad” really do not seem to help the discussion nor the process of recovery for survivors. Though the injuries from emotional (verbal, psychological, financial, spiritual and often physical) abuse from Narcissists or HCP (high-conflict people, to include those with Borderline Personality Disorder) often impair the soul, these are still humans with an illness.
I say this so much in my practice, but stand by it as an important consideration: if a person had a cold or cancer, would we say they were good or bad? We would recognize their limitations and encourage them to get professional help as needed. Granted, this illness is in the areas of interpersonal and intra-personal relationships. They often have such distorted thinking that they respond almost by reflex like one having a flashback as part of post-traumatic stress. They make poor choices and when they repeatedly injure others with their domestic terrorism, it is not difficult to see them as inhuman or at least all bad. This is easiest when they cannot (which is a symptom) see the hurt they cause nor their responsibility to make amends and seek professional help (main source of possible change in behavior). None of us are all “bad,” and yet how helpful is it really to speak of any of us that way.
They are unhealthy and the ways in which they move in the world are unhelpful/harmful for them or for any of us who have been traumatized by their illness.
it may be more helpful to ask if relating to them is making me feel more alive, loved, competent, loving etc it is relating to them sucking the life out of me? Is the relationship MUTUALLY-regarding for am I the primary giver and is she the primary taker? Am I looking for simplistic categories like good or bad to help validate the emotional termoil of being in relationship (romantic, work, congregation, parent, etc) with him?
i honor the fact that we are at least making distinctions and asking the questions. Knowledge is an important early step in the often lifelong journey of healing from the emotional abuse of those with narcissistic traits and or narcissistic personally disorder.
Peace as healing continues,
Dr. Vanessa
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